i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
