I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
