I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
