worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
