Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Randomize
