someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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