My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
