Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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