I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
