I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
