I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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