I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
