everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
