I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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