ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
