So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
