Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
