You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
