My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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