good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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