I heard we made out
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
