I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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