went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize