Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
