It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
