Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
