we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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