yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
A bitchslap is in order.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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