So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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