i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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