found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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