____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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