i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
