She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
