Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
