I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
