She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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