Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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