Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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