If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize