fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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