Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
