i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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