watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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