when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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