I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize