I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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