Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
