if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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