thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
