Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
