My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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