he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
