she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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