Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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