I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
