Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
